Sad & Happy Feelings

It's been a long time since I typed in my blog, it's because I've felt like there was nothing else to type. Why? Because I felt like my journey was slowly coming to an end, and there wasn't much other things to talk about. However, there are a lot of more things to still talk about, even if they tend to direct into a different area.

Well, so far, there has been good news and bad news of things that has been going on. I guess I'll start with the bad news. The bad news is, I don't think Marin is real. Reality had just smacked me in the face with a 2X4 like a bat out of hell, but sadly, I don't think she is real. The reason why is because I don't see her anywhere, nowhere, and she only had appeared in my dreams. I'm starting to think my mind was making up this Marin stuff all along, and I trapped myself in some sort of dream world. As scary as this may sound, I think I dug my own grave with this Marin stuff, and I became trapped in some imaginary world, looking for an exit I could not find.

But why would I think Marin is real? First, I'm going to have to review some things about this.

- I thought she was romantic
- She appeared to me in my dreams
- She told me she was real and I had to find her
- She convinced me she was real in my dreams
- We talked in my dreams, and did stuff together

Here are some first clues I have taken on how this all started. It perfectly makes sense on why she isn't real and has not showed up yet. The possible answer is that my mind was making this stuff up, and the core of this whole dream process was the Link's Awakening game. If Marin was real, she would of already showed up, no doubt about it. I'm like 22 years old and I'm still having dreams about her, and this is proof enough she isn't real.

I would like to say that I am very very heartbroken on how this had to turn out. I know it was my fault and I shouldn't of believed in something like this, but I wasn't really aware all the way. I still believed in some fantasy thing on how you can communicate with people through your dreams and I actually believed this. But no, I'm starting to think that dreams don't even mean anything, let alone a person speaking to you in that dream.

What really convinced me that she was real is that how she appeared in my dreams more than once. This just didn't happen one time, it happened a lot in my life. I was having dreams every few months of Marin and in those dreams, she told me she was real and I had to find her. This is what made it sound so real and convincing. I mean, it was like someone was trying to contact me telepathically in my dreams and couldn't get in touch with me. I was almost 100% sure this was not fake and it wasn't being made up. But if this was the case, wouldn't Marin just use a telephone to call me a long time ago? It just seemed like she was trapped somewhere and her only point of communication was my dreams.

Due to this, I come to find out she's not real and the whole search for her and turned up to a dead end. I'm really broken-hearted that she's not real because I was actually in love with this woman. I was madly in love with her and I wanted to find her. But since she's not real, I can never be with her. Crying over spilled milk with not solve this issue either. The only thing I can think of is that I just have to move on with my life and find a normal girl, possibly one who was like Marin in my dreams.

Another thing, it was not the home-schooling that caused this. I had friends during my years of home-schooling, both male and female, so I doubt that was a part of this whole thing that started. I'm not totally sad or upset about Marin not being real, I'm just really heart-broken about it. I feel like a dagger was jabbed into my heart and ripped through it or something like that. It's just a painful feeling to find out the woman of your dreams was exactly that.

What I am going to have to do, is that I am going to have to find a girl who is like Marin. I think this is the best issue for this situation. She wouldn't have to be 100% like her, but maybe with some traits that reminded me of Marin, that would be fine. If I can't have Marin herself, I might as well have someone nice like her eh? I think I will be a happy man with something simple like this.

I believe the moral of this whole thing is not to believe in things you dream about. In other words, if you keep dreaming about one person, that doesn't mean the person is real. There is a possibility there could be some kind of metaphor or some kind of relation to the dream, but the person herself/himself may not be real in general. I guess that's when we have to take risks in life. If we keep having dreams about a beautiful woman who tells us she's real, I guess we would have to risk finding out the answer.

I'm actually sort of happy the Marin search is over. It was sort of tiring me out and it was becoming a mental thing. There was even times I was depressed during the day because I could not find her. But now that I know she's not real, I won't be thinking about her as much. Now, I can just kick back and have a normal life.

But, my adventures will not end here. I traveled the world looking for Marin, and I don't want it to stop there. I want to go on new adventures. This year, I plan on joining a college club and see if I can make new friends and possibly travel to new places with them. To me, adventuring is a never-ending thing, and my Father was like this too. It's the type of thing thats deep within your heart and you never want to let it go. You just have to keep doing this because of the excitement and new things you come across.

Marin is not real? So what. I'm still going to live a happy life, and I wont let that drag me down. I'll never have her, I'll never be with her, and I have to live with that fact. I still want to be happy and do new things in my life. I cant let this break my heart anymore, I just have to get over it. If I don't get over this, I'll just end up feeling sad and depressed for the rest of my life.

There is nothing I can do to make her real, so why cry over it? She's just imaginary and besides, there are billions of women out there who are like Marin. I don't have much to cry about.

I would like to quote these lines I deeply remember in a Wild Arms 3 fanfic.

[motor sound fades away and sound of the aircraft taking off]

"Take off!!"

Our flying machine blasted off with an explosive sound into the sky of the
evening star!

New adventures, new friends, my story will continue on. Marin, I may never have you, but I WILL find someone like you. And now, I shall pray to G_d that he brings that special woman to me.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATMNB-9FaF8

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More open doors

Well, I am turning 22 next month. Every time a year goes by, it seems like things are making more sence. I'm just a little angry about my past, but I can't do anything to change it because my life was pretty much pre-destined to be like this, even if I did all that traveling around the world with my parents. Sometimes I feel that if we had settled in one hometown and I grew up there, I wouldn't of developed anti-social disorder symptoms. Some symptoms were actually scaring the mess out of me when they started developing. It could of been because my emotions were trying to reach out to people, yet my mind rejected everything around me.

How did this start? Well, lets take this from the top. First off, I did not have any close friends and didn't socialize with too much people. The only friends I had was some neighbourhood kids and that was about it. Because of my homeschooling, I was restricted to a lot of social experience and pretty much had no idea what this world was coming to when I graduated at the age of 18. When I was 13, I believe I had many close friends in Australia and sometimes I miss those days. I don't think these dark symptoms developed until people started treating me bad.

When I was 16, I believed I developed some type of "cold hearted" personality. At this age, I really didn't care about anyone outside my religion because I labeled them as an outcast. Of course I still had a nice personality, but I was hiding behind a mask the whole time. Now I understand why so many girls loved me in the first place. I had the personality, but I was still hiding behind my mask, not caring about them. As scary as this may sound, I may have been digging my own grave. Because I had this imaginary woman stuck in my head for so many years, it was probably preventing me from having fun, I only wanted one person........the perfect woman......

What was wrong with me? And why was I acting so strange at the age of 18? The best answer is that the symptoms were taking in effect on me, and it was damaging my personality. This strange strange dark aura surrounded my body for like a year. This aura was so dark, it was like a giant wave of negative energy. It felt so powerful that it was able to cause enough chaos to stir up just one area with many people. This may have been the Dark Side that was trying to engulf me, but it didn't seem evil, just negative energy. My friend on AIM says that the "stuff floating in the air" is real energy and it can effect a group of people.

He says that people were reading my body language and it was scaring them off. I believe that if my body somehow engulfed this dark energy, it must have been strong enough to effect that one area I was in back in the day. This is probably why so many people turned against me. It didn't take words for them to throw them off, it was my body language. I was avoiding people, didn't talk to anyone, quiet, was not a nice person, hid my personality, basically a bunch of dark stuff that was seriously turning them off. My friend Jeremy who also worked with me, he said he senced some strong dark aura that was coming from my body.

Even though I was not really talking bad to anyone, my dark aura gave everything off. I didn't need to say any words, my dark aura was doing all the talking. Due to my actions such as avoiding people when they approached me, not responding, looking away, and so on, this is what caused them to turn against me. It was like they were trying to open up to me, but I kept closing the doors. I don't think it was entirely my fault because the group of guys I worked with did alot of dumb stuff I didn't approve of, and they had absolutely no class at all.

Being the cold hearted person I was, I did not associate with people, or pretty much shrugged people off. What's even worse is that..........the girls that liked me........I ignored them........and this developed depression. When Jennifer was sitting at the table with me that one day, she most likely knew that something was wrong with me, I saw it on her face when she walked out of our store. She was being really nice to me, but I held back, and the icey cold frost just covered my heart and froze it solid. After that, it shattered like a crystal into many pieces, and then there was nothing left but sadness. And then I said to myself......"she'll reject me", and then I walked away.

Sometimes I couldn't understand why I was so cold. Was it because I looked at our world from a bad point of view, and made me anti-social? That must of been it, and I have a feeling I knew what did it. When I talked to people in those voice chat rooms on Yahoo during my homeschooling years, I actually saw what was really going on out there. Lust, Hatred, Greed, Envy, Killing, and so on. These things I believe is what made me anti-social and made me look at the world from a bad point of view. I mean, this was just non-stop on the internet and it was 24/7.

I remember that one day I was talking to that woman. She told me "You may have a cold heart, but deep down inside you, there is a spark of light trying to get out." This could of been an answer letting me know to treat people fairly and not base everyone "the same" because of stereotyping what people are doing in a normal daily basis on this earth. So yeah, I was stereotyping everyone in general due to a lot of these bad things I saw, which made me hide in shadows from people when they tried to open up.

My heart was so cold back then, and didn't seem to wear off when I turned around 20 years old. I sometimes even knew that even my heart was like this, it still made me sad inside. I remember I used to shed a tear sometimes when I probably thought that I did something wrong, or thought bad about someone. It was like I was picturing everyone as a devil and a threat to myself, and this caused me to bundle up and show aggressiveness.

My heart was locked by heavy chains, and either I couldn't find the key, or just didn't want to unlock it. I somehow knew that me being like this wasen't the real me. If I cried during times like this, I think that was proof enough that I did not like who I was, and me not being myself.

When I turned 20, major depression broke out and I developed alot of bad symptoms. Depression, having constant dreams over and over, anti-socialness, anger, not caring, and so on. I am thinking that negative stuff like this is what turns people over to the Dark Side. The reason people fall to the Dark Side is because they have weak emotions and it gets control of them, and they give in. It's like when watching a movie and the hero turns evil. He turns evil because his emotions tell him that the people around him hate him, or something similar to that, and then feels threatened. I was the hero slowly turning into that villain because I was making illogical assumptions. "People hate me", "Everyone is evil", "People are selfish", "They are lustful and like to hurt others", and so on.

Sometimes I feel so broken hearted the way I treated people, and turned away girls that were friendly. I'm thinking that Marin may have just been a puppet that I was using for my emotions because I did not want to use them on another person. Marin must of been the puppet that was resting on my hand, and I was using my emotions towards her, even though I did however believe she was real and I was trying to find her. Marin must have been just imaginary and not real because if she was real, I think she would of already showed up.

Now, I can only go to bed and sleep remembering these horrid things I did to people, and it sometimes kills me inside, and I cry tears on my pillow. If I ever approach any girls in the future, they might as well stab a dagger into my heart for who I was. I believe I can change, but it's hard to do that when you feel the world is out to destroy you.

I feel really depressed about this. I feel the only thing I can do is continue my schooling, make friends, get married and live a happy life. I cant go back in time and change the past of the bad things I did. The problem is, those bad things I did will only leave a scar on me, unless I ask G_d to forgive me. Sometimes I cant get those things out of my head, and they haunt me.

I am not the man I wanted to be...............I thought I could do better than this............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWF17PZRW3Y

The Train Tracks

I was walking home from school and I decided to walk on the train tracks on my way back home. I usely walk on train tracks whenever I have certain feelings. Sometimes they are feelings like I have a long road ahead of me, loneliness, and other causes. When I was walking the tracks that one day, it was snowing outside and we were getting some inches of snow on the ground. Because of this, the tracks were covered with snow and it was impossible to see anything below. The tracks were on a bridge that was high above an icey lake.

It seemed dangerous because if I lost my balance, I could fall off easily since there was tons of holes on the bridge. I diddn't want to backtrack, so I went ahead and walked on the bridge, not fearing the condition it was in. I got up on the left rail and walked on it. I diddn't fear losing my balance and falling down into the cold lake because I figured that my effort wouldn't let that happen.

When I walked on the tracks, I had these thoughts in my head.

Knowing that my road in life was long, and how there may be obstacles down the way, it shouldn't stop me from accomplishing anything. However, I believed I used to fear walking down this lonely road within my life because I was afraid of the outcome in the end. But if I never walked my lonely road, then how would I find out what's at the end? This is the same thing with the train tracks. Although the bridge was dangerous to walk on, I took risks to walk it to get home.

If I dont walk my road in life, then I wont find out whats at the end. I think it's better to take risks, but use discernment before walking that path. Because I believe if we walk any road in life, and we're not careful, we can easily fall into something. But that doesn't mean we're not supposed to put effort into it fearing the dangers ahead.

What I will do is that this road I walk in life, I am willing to take the risks ahead. I'd rather do this rather than sitting around wishing and hoping for me to get across and everything is fine. Sitting around while wishing for things to happen doesn't make them come true. They usually don't come true because nothing is being done to make them come true. It's like saying "I wish I could get beyond this road", yet nothing is being done about it, and there's no effort put into it.

So from now on, I need to play my cards and take risks. Even if I lose again and again, that doesn't mean I'll never win.

The Non-Existent Girl

(As taken from the VGbabes post.)

I'm a 21 year old virgin. Here is my reasons why.

I was grown up in a messianic faith, and we dont have sex till marriage.

But being a 21 year old virgin doesnt bother me. My situation is that I've never had a girlfriend in my entire life since I was homeschooled almost my entire life. I had girlfriends in gradeschool, but that doesnt count. As far as HighSchool and so on and so on, I've only been kissed around two times my entire life, and I have never engaged in any sexual activity. So to make it all clear, I'm a stone virgin all the way.

The reason I've never have had a girlfriend is because when I was younger, I believed there was a soul-mate that existed somewhere in the world with traits of my desires. In other words, a girl with the same faith, same race, blonde hair, blue eyes, etc. etc.

The problem is, is that this girl never showed up in my life and it has taken a huge effect on me. It's like at night when you're wishing for that one special girl under the stars that she meets you in the future. Come to find out, you turn 21 and then you start losing hope.

At the moment, I am angry because the girl of my dreams never showed up. This is why I have never have had a girlfriend. I feel angry because it feels like my entire life of wishing and dreaming has gone in vain. And due to this, I feel that it is pointless for me to go out and get a regular girl, when I had this ideal girl stuck in my head for so many years.

I mean, if you're a kid who wished under the stars and the moon for so many years wanting that one woman in your head, and then come to find out it was all a lie, wouldnt you be angry? I cant settle for a normal woman because I feel like I diddnt accomplish what I wanted to in the past 10 years or so.

Now, according to common sence and research, I would say that there is an 90% chance that my ideal woman exists. According to these statistics:

- First, there is only a few thousand people on this earth with the same messianic faith as me.

- Second, I am Italian and according to statistics in Italy, there are barely any italian women with blonde hair and blue eyes.

- Third, it seems almost impossible that an italian woman with all these traits, same religion, same likes, and same everything, would exist on this planet if you look at it in that way.

The only thing I can do is settle for a normal woman and call it quits. It just angers me so much that I couldnt have what I wanted.

Now whats going to happen is that I'm just going to find some regular ugly girl who is boring as hell and does stuff against my faith, and then marry her, and then say to myself each day "I wish she had shown up."

Go ahead, call me shallow, call me Mr. High Standard. I wished for this woman every year of my teenage life and really wanted to meet her. Now I will never find her because she doesnt exist and my dream diddnt come true.

What does this have to do with my Marin article? As I've stated before, when I saw pictures of Marin, I believed that the woman I was searching for was either her or had traits of Marin.

But now, I feel like I am losing my sanity. I am having dreams of women almost every night since I moved from Arizona. Not only that, but when I am walking home from down town, I sometimes sit on a bench when it's late at night and I watch the city from far away. One night, I ended up crying when I was sitting there on the bench. I cant believe this is happening to me. Why does this have to happen to me? Why couldnt I have a happy ending?

Another thing I have noticed is that I checked my iPod recently and I have noticed that like 80% of my songs on my iPod are usely songs that sound sad and depressing, have slow music, have sad lyrics (sometimes involving romance.) Some guy on a message board told me what I was doing was dangerous. He said that if I kept poisoning my mind with sad songs, sad movies, and so on, I may have mental health problems.

Remember the Resident Evil games? You would go into the mansion and read notes about guys who got infected with the T-Virus, and were writing notes about how they were slowly getting infected by the virus and were slowly dying. Well, this situation feels simular to this. As I type in my Blog like this, it feels like I have been infected by the T-Virus, and I am losing my sanity day by day. There is no vaccine because one cant be found anywhere within a thousand mile radius from here in the Arklay Mountains. As I type about this in this Blog, this is what this feels like.

Am I really going crazy? I've allready had like over 25 dreams of women in the past couple of weeks and they seem almost straight in a row. This doesnt seem normal to me. Not only that, but I have this depression day after day about this situation. In other words, being without a woman gives me some depression feeling everyday.

I think there is only one way out of this depression hole. I believe in order for me to stop this, I have to trust in G_d that whatever I do will not fail. In other words, when I return to college, when I make new friends, when I meet a new girl, when I need more food supplies, I have to have faith that this will all turn out well. If I feel within myself that "Oh, everything is going to fail" and walk around with an attitude like that, then it most likely "will" fail.

The guy that I talked to on the message board told me what my problem is, is that I am afraid to play my cards because I will be afraid of losing. Like for example, when I take a college class, if I keep feeling like I will fail the class, then I will fail. If I meet a new girl and feel afraid of rejection, then I will fail at talking to her. What he said is that I need to maintain a positive mind in order for me to succeed.

But one thing he did mention, just because you play your cards all the time doesnt mean you will always win. He says this is a just a factor at giving things a chance. In other words, the more chances you take, the more chances you will have at succeeding. Like, if I failed a college class one time, that doesnt mean I can re-take the class. If a girl or a bunch of friends ever turned me down, it's not like I cant find a new girl, or meet new friends.

So far, when I attended my last college year, I passed most of my classes. What my problem was, is that I took too many classes at once, but managed to pull through. But out of all the girls and male friends I have met, it seems I've had my fare share with both sexes in different areas, so it may just depend on circumstances within that area.

One thing I keep asking myself.............

If I made a website that got over 200,000 hits, has been known world wide, and thousands and thousands of people know me, and know my site, then what should stop me from accomplishing everything else!?

I think it's time for me to stop hiding in the dark like a child and come out and fight like a man. If I keep hiding in the dark like a child, I wont get anything accomplished in my life. The only way I'm going to pull through this is play my cards, and play them good. If I have the right cards, I can use different advantages in order to get into higher positions and areas. You dont need to do everything "by the book" as there is always different areas you can pass to go on to the next.

I think I know what to do now. I'll just take this day by day and plan out my strategies. If Plan A doesnt work, I'll try Plan B, and if Plan B doesnt work, I'll try Plan C. I've allready written a new list of things and different strategies on how I can tackle them. Now, if I can somehow set my mind to these goals, they can be accomplished.

I believe it's time for me to continue walking down this road. When I walk down the road, I will not look towards the ground. I will hold my head up high, and look towards the sun.

Dreams

When a person has dreams, I wonder if they actually mean something. Like if they might be keys to unlocking puzzles. I do believe that dreams that people have depends on what the person's heart desires. In other words, if a person likes something alot, that person might dream of that something that they like. Like for example, if someone likes cats, a person may dream of cats sometimes. I've taken a look at my dreams, and I sometimes have dreams having something to do with something I like.

But I also think that dreams may be keys to unlocking puzzles. I have studied my dreams before, trying to figure out what these keys are. I'm going to list a few dreams I've had in the past three months or so.

- Field

I had a dream I was walking in a huge grassy field and there one big tree in the middle. I walked to the tree and some woman wearing a dress was standing where the tree was. I asked her who she was, and she responded in words that seemed mysterious. She said "I am who you want me to be." Then I said "What are you talking about?" She replied saying "Josh, dont focus everything on looks. You must seek out personality."

After that, she started fading away. I walked towards her yelling "Wait! Dont go!." But she left.
"I am who you want me to be"? It sounds like she is saying that anyone can be compatible. Then she says not to focus everything on looks. I kind of feel a bit shallow about that statement she made because she was right. I did base women on their looks, and I was looking for someone to meet my qualifications. I do agree that personality is more important than looks. I do feel shallow about this, but not too much since I agree that someone should be attracted to the other person. In my case, I might of been trying to climb a huge mountain that took too long to get to the top.

- Stranger

This dream, I was in an area that looked like a city and I saw people walking past me. I was trying to stop people asking for directions and help, but they ignored me. Most of the people seemed like women, but both genders did the same thing. I was shouting for help and they ignored me to the point it was like I wasent there.

I had a couple of other dreams this month. Most of them were women kissing or hugging me. The rest of the dreams I had seemed to have little meaning such as the cat that got hit by a car that turned into a bowl of mustard, and me being invincible in some ancient samurai war. I usely dont pay attention to non-important dreams, same goes for the Jack-In-The-Box in the Baseball stadium with Golem going around stealing stuff.

My theory might be correct about this. Dreams might be based on a person's heart, and they might not be based on something that exists somewhere in the world. If dreams do come true, it might be some sort of coincedince or an idea that was foretold that something "could" of been there. I talked to some people about this. They believe that dreams are just images creating in our mind that reflect from out heart. They dont think that dreams have some sort of prophecy or something that may be foretold later on. I like the idea on the reflection of the heart statement because it makes sence.

Searching the world for the perfect woman, this was actually my dream. But then again, they say that perfection is in the eye of the beholder. There may be different types of perfections and not only one. One thing I wondered, is if I was the perfect man. And then I would think to myself that I wasent perfect because there was things that held me down from that. So no, I am not the perfect man, I may never will be. I am not rich, I am an average working college student. I am not "Brad Pitt" according to that female-user on the forums, and yes, I may tend to have a temper sometimes, or there may be other moods I have.

I dont think I was looking for the perfect woman in the eyes of the world. I was looking for the perfect woman in the eyes of myself. And then the years went by and I never seemed to have found her. There was maybe a few times, but then again, I had second thoughts. Sometimes I have noticed that I have low self esteem, and I think negative sometimes. Everything seems to be going downhill from the start. The women that I met last yearing during college season, alot of them acted like they were GoldDiggers. One girl keeps bugging me everyday to buy her lunch. I did once, and afterwards, she kept doing this everyday. I offer her to the movies and she's like "I just want to be friends." Next girl I meet, she acts interested, but then starts asking me personal questions that seemed money-related, and then runs off the following week.

I'm at work one day, talking to my friend at lunch. Some girl sits next to me starts flirting alot. Afterwards, she gets involved in our conversation. Then she said some stuff like she wouldnt marry a dude who was living next to his family or some stupid stuff along the lines of that. She comes to my table again the following weeks and starts flirting. I simply get up and leave the table. As for the other two girls, they were basically just people I knew for like 3 days, but then starting hitting on me later on when one of them returned to my job a few months later. The other chick was just......unattractive.....so I diddnt bother.

I think I understand now why my Father was trying to raise me in the foreign country. Not only this, but everything else simular to this along these lines. Including this country's laws, and how the system here is screwed up.

I now feel like leaving the whole country.

July Post

Since it is near the end of July, I've decided to make a post before the month lets out.

About three weeks ago, I called my friend overseas and decided to talk to her since we havent talked in a long time. She is such a sweet person and she knew me ever since I was a child. I hope she doesnt think I dont care about her for not talking to her in a long time, but I guess things like that happen.

We were talking on the phone and she started talking about marriage and things like that. She told me that she was looking for a special man of G_d to come into her life, and she has been looking for this percfect man. She is now 39 years old and has spent her entire life searching for this man, yet she says she never found him because she did not know who G_d wanted her to marry.

She had a dream a couple of years ago about some guy and she said the guy in her dreams may have been the man she was supposed to meet. But she traveled all over the world and did not find him. She is a nurse and she can afford to travel, so she must of traveled to tons of countries like I did. I talked to her and told her that there was no perfect person on this earth because there needs to be a balance to keep the relationship up. I told her that if we were all perfect, we all would be a bunch of robots.

She wanted to know how are we able to tell whom we are supposed to be with. I told her that I felt that we need to follow G_d's laws, and then follow our hearts in order for us to find the right person. I also said that in my opinion, I diddnt feel that there was no "Soul-Mate Path" or Direct-Path for each person on this earth since multiple people can be compatible with each other, and it depends how situations work out. She told me she wanted to get married soon, but she tells me she still isint sure "who" on this earth is for her.

I have felt the same way as she did and it seems that both me and her have some things in common. But from my personal view, I dont think that what she says is the only reason she does not want to get married. I think there are other things she is not telling me and not being honest about. I think there are other reasons why she does not want to get married and some of them may be that she does not want to share some of the wealth she has, or she is looking for a man that will be perfect to what her mind seems to be set in.

My gut feeling tells me this, and I am not knocking her down. I dont see how a woman could spend her entire life like that being lonely and nobody to love them back. I actually think it is sad and till this day, I cannot understand why she doesnt just find a man she likes and be happy with him.

But look at me. I am 21 years old and it seems that I have felt the same way she has felt. I've had many female friends last year, but they diddnt really seem the type that I was looking for. I was looking for a romantic woman who would spend time with me and love me, but I dont feel this coming from them. The dating people that I talked to said that the reason I feel this way is because these are simply traits they have that come later on down the road that I cannot see.

But in order for me to fall for a woman, I need to have some sort of emotional connection with her. I did not have any emotional connections with any of my female friends last year because almost all of them were overweight and had different interests that I had. I'm not being shallow, but I have to be attracted to a person in order for me to love them. That's not being shallow because you have to follow your heart and instinct, and you have to pray each day to G_d to figure out on what do to each day.

There are some things that happend these past three days.

About two days ago, I was laying down in my bed daydreaming about Marin. Now before I begin this, I understand that alot of people on the internet think I love a game character or am obsessed with her. I just want to clearly say that I am not in love with the character-Marin, nor do I worship her. Marin is simply just an idea of a girl that I talk about, a girl that I could possibly meet. It's hard for anyone to understand this because it's hard to explain. Whenever I talk about "Marin", I am referring to a girl I could meet simular in the future like her. I know you're probably thinking "I've played Link's Awakening, and Marin is not romantic." Well, thats because I am not focusing everything on Marin. I've also commented same opinions of this on real-life actors in movies, or sometimes even people in books. For the last time, I am not some crazed Zelda Fan thinking that Marin will jump out of the GameBoy and marry me.

To make this more simple, I will comment on an actor. There is a movie and a book called "Anne of Green Gables" that tells a story of a girl's life on how she grew up, went to school, and so on. Anne is played by Megan Follows. After I watched this movie, Anne was the type of girl I was looking for. I like the innocent type of girls who wear dresses, is religious, and romantic and all those other nice things. Marin comes close to this description, and so do other actors and game characters that I have commented about. I guess the reasons why everyone laughs at this and finds this funny is because they're not looking outside the box. For a whole two years, everyone was thinking I was some weird guy in love with a game character. I dont know why the thought never came across them that Marin was just a character I was using to describe the kind of girl I would like. But since people clearly state that Link's Awakening barely has any dialog or much story line, this argue about this.

"The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening" is an RPG and is a very long game with a long story. It also can take weeks to finish this game depending if you used a walkthrough or not, or just speed through the game. But yes, it is a very long game with a good storyline. When you talk to Marin, she may only say a few lines, but later on in the game, she says alot of other things when you talk to her. I think the reason why other people argue about this is because they never talked to NPCs much, or did not explore the game more further.

But yes, Marin is just an example I use as a girl I would like to me. I dont think it would seem right if I posted articles on the internet saying "I am in love with my future wife", because they probably wouldnt make sence to much people. But I guess it's the same thing because I am in love with the idea of my future wife. I talked to someone about this and they said it's called "longing for a love". It's when you're in love with someone that exists somewhere in the world that you have a general idea of, but you're not sure where that person is.

I think I am slowly solving the puzzle by finding each piece and putting it together. When I was in Arizona last year, there was only two girls I met that I felt an emmotional attachment to, like I would want to be with them, or fall in love with them. But there was a problem here which stopped me from approaching this women. First off, they were not the same religion as me and my religion has laws about being with someone who is not of your religion. But I did some more studying and found out that there was nothing wrong with this.

What the other problem is, I think I am afraid of heartbreak. In other words, if I do see a girl and feel inside me that she is the one I am looking for, I would be afraid that if we ever broke-up, I would not want to face the pain of the heartbreak because I could not handle that. Ever since I was a child, I was very sensitive. I used to get teary-eyed over certain kinds of things. Like I did not like to kill bugs when I was little, or certain songs I heard would make me cry because they seemed sad. I've been told that there are alot of men that are very sensitive, but alot of them hide this because they are afraid that letting it out will cause them to show some sort of weakness to other people. But it is true, I am a very sensitive man, and I guess there's nothing wrong with that as long as I can control that, and not be a cry-baby all the time.

I was playing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time today, and I started walking to Lon Lon Ranch. When I walked to Lon Lon Ranch, I got a bit teary-eyed when I got there. I wasent exactly crying, but my eyes were a little bit watery. The reason why is because of the slow music that was playing, and the idea of a girl living on the farm named Malon. I just felt sad during that area because I felt empty. I felt like there was something that was missing in my life, like looking for the certain girl. I've had this same feel one morning a couple months ago, when I woke up in the morning and I was lonely. I think the other reason I was teary-eyed at Lon Lon Ranch was because of the childhood memories I had with friends and family when this game came out.

It seems that I might be in the same situation as my friend. I feel sad because I cant find the woman of my dreams, and I searched the world looking for her. But maybe I am looking too hard, which might be why I feel this way. In other words, I might be looking for that "one girl" that is in my mind, but every normal girl I meet, I kind of feel like she "isint the one." It's like I am searching the world for a girl I would love to meet, yet I dont believe any of them I meet is the one I am looking for because I somehow dont see it.

And I think the reason why I dont see it is because I may have to build some sort of relationship up in order to feel that she is the one. But alot of these girls that I meet, they dont seem to have that sort of Marin/Anne/Aeris feeling. If you are a down-to-earth person, you probably understand where I am coming from. My ideal dream girl is a girl who wears a dress, is very romantic, loves G_d and me, nice and charming, goes on picnics, takes walks at the beach/lake. I dont "feel" this type of feeling from some normal women. One of the dating people told me it is because "I cannot see these traits". They told me that this stuff that I mention is allready included in the relationship. They're not exactly right on this because everyone is different. Like, some women are like this, some arent.

I did however asked one of my female friends out on a date last year, but she only replied that she just wanted to be friends because she didnt feel a connection. To tell you the truth, neither did I. But I asked because she seemed very flirtatious.

I believe that the time will come when G_d will let me know who he wants me to be with, and who I feel comfortable with later on. I've been feeling pretty lonely these past two years, and it's not easy for me to cope with this loneliness. I feel that G_d will direct me to the woman I am looking for, and I will feel deep within my heart that she is the one I have been looking for.

As far as heartbreak goes, G_d will give me strength to handle that if certain relationships have to end. I've had heartbreak over other things besides women. I've had heartbreak when friends left me to go on with their life, and times when someone passed away. However, this is G_d's nature and he created heartbreak and emotions. When people have heartbreak, this is a natural reaction that causes us to express our emotions out. This is also something I will need to handle.

I think it's better if someone went through heartbreak rather than have not had a relationship at all. I mean, if someone grows old down the road, they would most likely wished that they would have had been in a relationship to feel love anyway regardless of the heartbreak.

I think I know what I must do now. If I see someone I like, I shouldnt hold back. I should just let the relationship build and then go from there. Searching the world for this one special woman of my dreams, I feel that she does exist, it's just that many women like her exist, and there isint just one. Yes, many women on this earth exist, I just have to find the person that fits me. I feel a little bit better typing about this. Day by day that goes by, I feel that I am slowly solving this situation, and things make more sence.

I am going to bed now. Here is a picture of Malon. Good night.

Safety Not Guaranteed

I have felt like I have fallen into a deep sleep. Ever since the Marin stuff was brought up again, it was like I was in a deep sleep and couldnt awake. I had my mind so much on finding Marin, or whoever this person was, that I may have not been focusing on what was around me. I just kept constantly dreaming about this dream world and this fantasy of being with this imaginary woman. Dreams should be carried to a certain extent. If you take them too far, you may start believing the un-believable. I know this for sure since Marin wasent the only girl I liked as there were a few other game girls I did like.

This could only mean one thing. I may have been attracted to Marin, Aeris, Virginia, etc. because of the stories and surroundings. It was my dream to be with a woman in those scenes, but I took those dreams too far and this is what happend. Now I believe this may be the year that I will have to take action. "You're too obsessed with the soul-mate thing" is what those dating people said. And one member of my boards, he said I created this fantasy world within my head, along with this woman. Creating scenes in my head such as the beach, grassy fields, moonlight lakes, and there were more. Now instead of dreaming, I should make the reality.

The internet must of been trying to give me a wake-up call. I couldnt understand why thousands of people on the internet were making fun of me over this. Where they trying to help or hinder me? Where they all making fun of me trying to wake me up from this dream? Why would thousands of people waste their time on me? Why? Why did everyone do this? In any case, there probably is no perfect woman in this world.

Now what am I supposed to do? Find someone and get married in a few years? I will continue my college and then work towards starting a family. Better yet, I will make more friends in this state, and there will be more to do. I'm going to have to quit gaming and focus on my personal life. Being 21 years old and sitting in my house playing video games was a big wake-up call. Now it is time to start thinking towards the future.

One thing that still ponders my mind, what was up with these women I met whom got married off to some guys later on after I met them? And how does this happen straight in a row? Sounds like a Time Paradox to me but time-travel doesnt exist as far as I know.